Osculation: The Art of Kissing with Confidence

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Did you know that July 6th was International Kissing Day?

Neither  did I, and believe me, I am pro-kiss. Well not to the extent that I kiss everybody as a greeting, that just creeps me out. You’re either on the kiss list or the non-kiss list but more on that later.

I can’t really remember my first kiss, though it must have been Andy Meisler, and believe me, that boy had lips made for kissing, and dark thick curls…and he played guitar. It must have been at a school dance, it must have been while we were slow dancing to the long intro to  “Freebird” or maybe Mike Nesmith’s “Aimee” or something by Peter Frampton, I really couldn’t say, the details are blurry but it was the beginning of a lifelong enjoyment of the art of kissing.

Andy was superseded by Mike, Billy, another Andy, Brad, John, Paul, George, Ringo (just kidding, my John played trombone and I stopped at at Paul, who didn’t play guitar), Jeremy, Keith, Eric, another Mike,  Scott, Chris, Tom, Mark, Thomas, Griff, Howie, Kurt, Sandy, Bob, Freddie, Rudy and eventually Vince, who came out as the best kisser of all  following my years of painstaking research in the field of osculation. 

You might think such an extensive kissing resumé indicative of  a degree of indiscriminate puckering, of a certain level of sluttiness, but really nothing could be further from the truth. I am a champion kiss ducker and  master of the gracious pull-back. I don’t kiss just anybody.

Empty gestures are one of my pet peeves. The kiss is such a loaded  expression. The way I see it, a kiss could mean affection, desire or even a threat. 

This is a problem in today’s society when everybody seems to be kissing at the slightest acquaintence or excuse. Some people are introducing  lip smackeroos including a bit of tongue, which I find rather off-putting to say the least. I’m apt to clock you one if I can’t duck a kiss and there’s tongue involved and you aren’t Vince. There are people of whom I am extremely fond. These are kiss-listers. Then there are others. I like you all, I really do, but kisses are special, let’s go with the South American style “braza” instead and see how that works out for us.

Where do you all stand on kissing as a social greeting?

Who remembers their first kiss? 

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